Getting better

Torey had a playoff game last night. It was a beautiful night. And, in an effort to be more positive about and around her I decided to bring my camera to her game. I knew I’d enjoy taking pictures, plus it would give me something to do (and make me pay attention to her game).

I also knew that taking pictures was something I could do “for” her but without getting wrapped up in what her reaction might be. I’ll be pleased if she likes them, but regardless I enjoyed taking them. And, because of that, I had fun at her game.

It’s only one night, but positives are positives.

 

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Learning to bite my tongue

Torey has been a challenge pretty much since she became a teenager. One on one she’s not bad, but as part of the family dynamic we’re never quite sure which girl we’re going to get, the fun happy girl or the moody gloomy teen. She’s also taken to bowing out of time here. She’ll usually text her dad a day or so ahead of time with some reason along the lines of “I have so much studying to do and I’m really overwhelmed” or “I didn’t sleep well, can I stay at mom’s”. Basically it’s nothing that really can’t be accomplished at our house, just that she doesn’t want to.

I know my Husband struggles with this. Every time she asks to not come over it hurts him, badly, though he tries to shrug it off. Obviously he wants her to want to come over. We also don’t want to give a 16 year old control over our lives/household. At the same time, what can we do? We can’t physically make her come over, and what consequences can we apply when never see her. His response is usually along the lines of “do whatever you need to do, we’d like to see you”. This, of course, results in her not coming over.

Unfortunately, my responses is usually something along the lines of “why do you let her get away with this” or simply throwing the phone at my poor Husband. Definitely not the most mature response. So the other night I initiated what turned out to be A Conversation (notice the capital A and capital C). I asked him what he needed from me as it relates to Torey. He pretty much said he needed me to be positive. Ha. Okay, so that wasn’t going to happen. Next best option was neutral and/or not negative. I didn’t take that well.

After a couple of days I was able to see how attacking Torey to my Husband really didn’t help. It’s the whole “no one beats up my little brother but me”; when I was negative regarding Torey it not only hurt Husband, but he also felt a need to defend her even when he was also upset at her. (Keep in mind, these are all conversations and interactions that are just between us, none of the Kids are around at these times.)

So, I’m learning to bite my tongue. I’m learning to support Husband and whatever relationship he can have with Torey. I’m still angry with her and have trouble just letting that go, but I am working on how she impacts my relationship with my husband.

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Parenting…sort of

I had a conversation with The Husband this weekend that helped me develop some insights into my relationship with The Kids. There are four Kids – Ben (18), Torey (16), Laura (14) and Kelly (11). Ben has lived with us the last couple of years while the girls come over two nights a week.

One of my struggles has been how much can I correct The Kids, especially Ben. I was talking to Husband about how I get annoyed when Ben spends all day Saturday watching TV at full volume. The Husband’s solution – tell him to turn it down. But it’s not that easy. And I find myself upset – at myself – that it’s not that easy. Growing up I babysat, A LOT. I was good with kids. So, how come I feel like I’m floundering with The Kids? How come I feel uncomfortable in my own home?

Luckily my Husband is a Good One and the conversation continued. I said that if I told Ben to turn it down he wouldn’t turn it down enough and then I’d be even more frustrated because I’d asked and still not gotten what I’d wanted OR I’d ask Ben to turn it down again and he’d be annoyed and I’d feel guilty. Husband said that if it were him he’d tell Ben to get his butt off the couch because there were things that needed to be done. Thankfully Husband understood that this was not an option for me. Because, what if I said that and Ben said NO…? I have nothing left, no power, no authority, plus a Kid who probably resents me trying in the first place. I don’t have the option, particularly with teens, to set up a power struggle that I could lose because that’s it…game over.

So, I feel like I can’t parent, which makes me feel like a crappy parent. And here’s the thing – I’ve got a good gig. A great Husband and really good step Kids. It’s still hard.

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Picking Battles

Some days being a stepmom is just hard. Maybe, it’s just being a parent, but this feels especially stepmom-ish. I find there are many things that my stepkids do which annoy me. Things like slurping their noodles, drinks, yogurt or blowing their nose at the table or constantly talking over each other or slamming cupboards; they may not be Big Things but they all feel like Big Things in the moment.

 

I do call them on these things sometimes, but once I’ve made an issue over a couple of things I feel like I hit the limit for the day. Sure I could keep commenting/correcting but I feel like I’m always the bad guy. And there’s this fear that every time I say something it’s a check in the Evil Stepmom column. What’s a girl to do? I don’t say anything and I stew, annoyed. I do say something and I’m seen as hawking a poisoned apple.

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