Ben Graduates!

This last weekend Ben graduated from High School! Not only did he graduate, but he graduated with High Honors (GPA over 3.50). Pretty good for a kid who really didn’t care that much about school most of the time.

After the graduation we hosted a BBQ at our house. We figured this was easier than trying to coordinate a meal out, especially considering all the area High Schools had graduation on the same day. A month or so ago we’d talked with Jane (the Kids’ Mom) and she’d offer to do the food if we’d provide the location. Easy enough – done.

One of the things that’s truly good about my situation is how well all the “parental figures” get along. Jane has always treated me well. Because of the Husband’s job, Jane and I often end up at Kid events together and she will always hold a seat for me; she’ll chat with me and introduce me to the other parents. I know I’m lucky in this respect. So, anyway, at our BBQ it was myself, the Husband, the four Kids, Jane, her parents and my parents. Poor Husband had both his ex-in-laws and his current in-laws in our house at the same time!

It was a GREAT time – the weather was perfect, Ben looked great in his graduation gown, both my mom and I cried during the graduation speeches, everyone got along and enjoyed themselves at the BBQ.

Sometimes steplife is really really hard…but some days, it’s just life, and it’s even fun.

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When Stepping Up Hurts

Continuing the ‘stepping up’ theme – I was talking with my boss, also a childless stepmom, the other day about stepping up vs love and the conversation turned to Torey. Of all the Kids she is the hardest for me to step up for. And I realized, it’s because I don’t get that smile from her, I don’t see that my being there made a difference for her. When I attend her games or school activities I’m barely acknowledged. This year is better than last year – at least I usually get a “thanks for coming” as we’re leaving. Last year there was one game where she and my Husband had a whole conversation and she didn’t look at or acknowledge me once. Finally, as she was walking away, she turned to look at me and mumbled “see you later” and walked away. It’s so hard, when I feel completely dismissed and disregarded, to continue ‘stepping up’ for Torey. Then my boss pointed out – maybe she’s the one for whom it’s most important. I don’t know. I don’t know if it makes a difference to her if I show up or not. But I continue to try because you never know.

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Showing up – Band Concert

Being a stepmom is hard, but one of the things we can do is show up. We can show the stepkids they matter. We may not love them, we may not always like them, we may not have chosen them, but we can choose to be there for them. We can show them that they are important.

After my recent post about how important it is to show up it turned out I had my own opportunity to show up this week for Kelly’s band concert. I don’t know about you, but 6th Grade band concert’s are not my favorite way to spend an evening. That being said, when Kelly took the stage and looked out into the audience, her eyes searched for her people and when she found them – myself, Husband, her Mom – she lit up. She waved to us and we waved back. We showed up and she knew she mattered.

 

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Getting better

Torey had a playoff game last night. It was a beautiful night. And, in an effort to be more positive about and around her I decided to bring my camera to her game. I knew I’d enjoy taking pictures, plus it would give me something to do (and make me pay attention to her game).

I also knew that taking pictures was something I could do “for” her but without getting wrapped up in what her reaction might be. I’ll be pleased if she likes them, but regardless I enjoyed taking them. And, because of that, I had fun at her game.

It’s only one night, but positives are positives.

 

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“Emergency” cash

Husband likes to know we’re all prepared in case of an emergency and that includes having emergency cash on hand. We gave Ben some to keep in his wallet once he started driving and periodically Husband will check to see that his still has it. The expectation is that if he uses it, it will be for a VERY good and justifiable reason.

Well, Torey just started driving and Husband decided to give her some emergency cash as well. Sounds reasonable, right? Sure…except for two things: 1) because of some recent large purchases, Torey has no money right now and 2) she leaves on a four-day school trip today. Temptation thy name is CASH!

So I mentioned to Husband (and yes, this made me feel like Evil Stepmom) that he should probably check with her, after her trip, that she still has it. Part of me honestly thinks she’ll spend it. Part of me thinks she won’t. For Husband’s sake I hope she doesn’t. The Evil Stepmom kind of hopes she does.

Why do I “hope” she does? Torey has figured out how to live without parental structure or consequences. Her Mother has founds it’s easier to just let her do her own thing (luckily Torey, at this point, isn’t a Bad Kid). And Husband, well through Torey’s manipulation of her schedule and her “overwhelming” homework, only actually sees/interacts with her for about 20 min each week. Husband is a Good Dad and I think if there were an opportunity where he could impose some legitimate consequences would be good.

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Picking Battles

Some days being a stepmom is just hard. Maybe, it’s just being a parent, but this feels especially stepmom-ish. I find there are many things that my stepkids do which annoy me. Things like slurping their noodles, drinks, yogurt or blowing their nose at the table or constantly talking over each other or slamming cupboards; they may not be Big Things but they all feel like Big Things in the moment.

 

I do call them on these things sometimes, but once I’ve made an issue over a couple of things I feel like I hit the limit for the day. Sure I could keep commenting/correcting but I feel like I’m always the bad guy. And there’s this fear that every time I say something it’s a check in the Evil Stepmom column. What’s a girl to do? I don’t say anything and I stew, annoyed. I do say something and I’m seen as hawking a poisoned apple.

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Nina Lorez Collins: Stepfamilies: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

“Our mothers shape the way we see the world, and this, here in my domain, is not her mother’s culture. To be a kid plunged into another mother’s universe has got to make everything feel upside down.”

via Nina Lorez Collins: Stepfamilies: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

There is so much truth in that quote. But it goes both ways…in the article the author is a mother of her own children and she empathizes with her stepdaughter. In my life, I have no children of my own, so instead of shaping the culture of my own home, my stepkids invade and start to alter the culture that exists when they are not there, simply because, without kids of my own, there is nothing “concrete” to maintain, to redirect. As much as my house would be my universe to “my” kids, until I have them, my house rotates between my universe and the universe of my stepkids’ mom.

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